Your online resource: from shidduchim through shana rishona.
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shana rishona.
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from the fall 2007 issue
Popping the Questions
Certainly everyone know what the question singular is that usually follows the word “popping.” But there are far more questions that precede it. In fact, in the shidduch system, a whole inventory of questions are poured onto references for proposed shidduchim in an effort to gather as much information as possible before even meeting. Where did he go to yeshiva? Where did she go for camp? How long have they lived in that neighborhood? What shul do they go to? From the general to the absurdly specific, like the infamous tablecloth and shoe questions that are referred to as proof of the insanity in the shidduch system, everyone has a list of questions. Nevertheless, no information sources can provide all the answers to what another individual is all about. There are some points that couples on the verge on engagement should bring out into the open before taking the plunge to avoid possible disappointments and frustrations further on in the relationship. That is not to say that there are easy answers for all of them. However, bringing the issues into the open will clarify, at least, if both of you are on the same page. Key issues include health, life goals, finances, household, leisure, and family.
Health issues:
Do one of you have a chronic condition? Does it require drugs or monitoring?
Do you have adequate health insurance coverage?
Did you check for genetic compatibility?
Life goals:
If you just won 25 million dollars, what would you do? Assuming that you don’t win the lottery, what is you plan to balance your life goals with your household/financial obligations?
What do you want to be doing in the next year, five years from now and further down the road? What will you consider your main accomplishment in life?
Are you both planning on working full time? Don’t take it for granted that your spouse’s expectations are the same as yours with respect career aspirations or the hours you expect to work. Should the need arise, is your work situation flexible enough to allow for time off or a reduced load?
Should one’s studies or job require relocation, is the spouse willing and able to move?
Financial Issues:
Are you a saver marrying a spender? You may balance each other out, or you may find yourself constantly clashing over what to do with your money. But be aware that if you are both spenders, there will be natural check on impulse spending. On the other hand, if you are both savers, you may find yourselves in the situation of all work and no play make a rather dull life.
Will your household income completely cover your expenditures? If not, how will you make up the shortfall? If you expect parental contributions, do they agree to the amount and the duration you envision?
Do you have a backup plan should outside support not be forthcoming?
What are your expectations for involvement in financial plans and duties? Will the task of paying the bills and depositing checks fall on one of you? Will you take a hands-on approach to all accounting and investment decisions or withdraw and hire people for that?
Household:
As houses don’t clean themselves and refrigerators do no replenish themselves, alas, what is your plan for getting these daily tasks done?
Is one of you going to be solely responsible for all that is entailed in procuring meals from grocery shopping to cooking to washing up, or do you plan to divide these chores between you?
Do you agree to hire outside help for cleaning? Does your budget allow for it?
Leisure:
Describe your ideal vacation. Did you come up with similar scenarios? Do you enjoy the same leisure time pursuits? Do you expect to share them all or to pursue some interests separately? How often do you expect to go out for entertainment?
Do you have the same perspective on society? Do you respect and accept each other’s friends? Do you agree on the frequency of socializing and having guests over?
Do you plan on having a television in the bedroom? This question actually appeared in a secular source, but I find the implications for a frum household to have far more bearing on establishing one’s values, priorities, and stance.
Family:
What is your picture of marriage? This is often very much influenced by the one set by parents.
If you are living close to one or both set of parents, are they prepared to give you your own space? Do you have a plan to deal with too much parental involvement in your new household? Can you agree on ground rules for handling in-laws?
When your household grows, is there an expectation that the mother be home full time? If so, for how long? Do you agree on how childcare is to be managed?
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Ms. Maven’s practical guidelines to dressing for a date:.
ü Fashion is a woman thing. The latest styles are noted by women more than by men. Unless he’s in the rag trade or identifies your dress with one his mother wore twenty years ago, your date is not likely to notice your clothes to be passé. Don’t bank on his recognizing that you’re wearing pieces by Michal Negrin and Australian designer boots. Men are more attuned to the overall effect produced by your ensemble. The key is to wear what conforms to your taste and looks good on you. Given a choice between high fashion and flatteringly slimming, always opt for the latter.
ü On colors: Some women look good in dark, severe colors, while others do not. Despite its universality, not everyone really looks good in black. Find a color that works well with your complexion to wear near your face. So you may opt for a pink or mustard blouse to contrast with your black suit, depending on what works with your complexion.
ü On makeup: Even if you are not plagued by problem skin or light eyelashes, wearing makeup is part and parcel of the dressed-up-for-a-date look. While most men say they do not like a made-up look, what they really mean is that they do not like to notice the makeup more than the face beneath it. Rather than using too little makeup, learn how to apply it properly. Skillfully applied makeup gives you a polished without looking glazed look; it brings out your features rather than calling attention to itself. You can learn how to do this from a makeup artist who will teach you techniques and advise you on color selection.
ü Avoid embarrassment. . If you are going out to eat or going out into the outdoors, you are safer in darker colored or printed skirts than pristine white. You should always do a double-check on your outfit, especially if you are wearing for the first time. Always check your outfit over to ascertain it is fresh and clear of spots, wrinkles, and tears. Carry along a couple of safety pins just in case something rips or pops while you are out. See if the skirt stays put in standing, walking, and sitting position; you don’t want to have to tug it down, or be forced to lay your coat over it. You also want your neckline to be set in one place. Make sure your stockings don’t let you down and do not have even the beginning of a hole that can run through the entire length of you leg in no time. Line up two mirrors or get a friend to check the back view to make sure that nothing shows that should not, including labels and slips Do a final mirror check to make sure nothing is on or between your teeth and that your hair is in place.
ü Don’t make yourself uncomfortable. You can look perfectly date appropriate in an attractive dress or top and skirt.. If you feel a suit is restrictive, then skip it. The same goes for heels. Always wear shoes that you can walk in without injury to your feet. Remember, parking spots can be far away. Another thing to skip is bad advice, which brings me to my final point:
ü
Don’t ask questions that can
boomerang on you. Asking his height could convey the impression that you are
as shallow as the men who ask a girl’s dress size. An explanation about
planning what shoes to wear would not make you appear much better. Always
wear shoes that you can walk in. Remember, parking spots can be far away,
and blisters can make a date a painful experience.
Ms. Maven Responds: First Impressions
Dear Ms. Maven,
As a bochur about to plunge into the turbulent seas of shidduchim, I have been warned about how crucial a favorable first impression is. It is not just for one’s date who will usually grant at least a couple of hours before finalizing her impression, but for her parents, who will make their judgment after just a few minutes. What has me worried is that it seems inevitable that the first impression I form on parents of the young ladies I meet will not be what I intend it to be. I was told the following:
You talk a lot to show yourself to be a sociable and good at conversation.
They see you as a chatterbox who won’t let anyone get a word in edgewise.
You try to be funny.
They wonder at your levity, possibly considering a mark of shallowness on your part.
You drop some names to show your connections and family reputation.
That gives them the message you’re a snob, possibly devoid of real personal merit.
You get into a heated debate, thinking you are showing your assertiveness and intelligence. They find you an obnoxious know-it-all lacking in tact and sensitivity.
You speak only when spoken to and very briefly at that. Your quietness indicates that you don’t seek to talk about yourself, which, you think, shows you to be thoughtful and respectful. But the parents see you as shy and aloof or just boring. Worse, they may interpret your lack of interaction as evasiveness, which indicates you are hiding something.
You dress well to show you care about making a good impression.
They see you as vain, pretentious, and materialistic.
You dress casually to show that you feel comfortable with the situation.
They think you’re a lackadaisical slob.
All that makes me feel doomed before I start. Do you have any advice for me?
-What can I do?
Ms. Maven Responds:
I wish I could tell you, “just be yourself and you’ll be fine.” But in fact that is not true. As all your example indicate, odds are good that no matter what your intentions are, what you do will, ultimately, blow up in your face. But that does not mean that you should despair, just that you take some basic precautions. These include appropriate dress, manner, and basic things too often overlooked, like turning your cell phone off while you meet with them so that you will not appear rude by shifting from your conversation with them to your phone. Even if you sense that your meeting with the parents left them with a negative first impression. If you are able to leave a favorable impression on the daughter, the parents are likely to grant you a second-chance, at least for her sake. So long as they are not so deeply offended as to forbid your ever darkening their doorstep again, you have an opportunity to win them over on the next meeting. Of course, it is uphill work, but that does not mean it cannot be done.
Much of the negative impression people get from shyness is due to the closed-off expression projected by body language. So make a conscious effort to keep your body language open. Make eye contact. Smile upon meeting and leaving and several times in between. Do not fold your arms. Some books on nonverbal communication actually suggest mirroring the other person’s body language, but if you do this too much, they may pick up on your mimicry as a false, or worse, mocking affectation. But do make sure to respond to smiles, handshakes, etc. in kind. You can also show sociability by accepting an offer of refreshment. It gives you an opportunity to express appreciation and to compliment your hosts on the homemade goodies. It also gives you something to do with your hands to help you from adopting the defensive stance of arms folded or hands in pockets. Keep conversation flowing by not only responding to their questions but offering some open-ended ones of your own. You can say things like, “Tell me about your work.” (so long as it doesn’t sound like your trying to figure out their income.) Good listeners are regarded as excellent conversational partners.
If you got rather too enthusiastic in your attempt to communicate with these people, think over what was the nature of your infraction? Tooting your own horn is not the way to go about impressing them. They probably know all about your family connections already, so don’t bring it up unless they ask. You may have put yourself permanently in the doghouse if you’ve aired views that are antithetical to those that they feel strongly about. That could be particularly dangerous to your shidduch cause if they will conclude that you don’t fit in with their family type. Bringing up Satmar sympathies to a Rav Kook leaning family on the first meeting, for example, is likely to put a red light on all future meetings. While family feuds may have increased the romantic quotient for the Montagues and Capulets, poison and daggers are not the instruments of choice for an enduring relationship. Certainly, you should not disguise who you really are; nevertheless, the first meeting is not the time to get into debates with parents on politics, money, family, or hashkafa.
If you carefully avoided hot issues but just kept on talking, you may get to redeem yourself by demonstrating that you can give others a hearing. People who are more formal at first meetings may not be able to appreciate your humor at the beginning. Monopolizing the conversation or interrupting others when they are trying to speak is considered rude. So the next time, allow the parents to direct the conversational flow and do most of the talking. Do not clam up altogether, just show that you are interested in what they have to say and take cues from them on whether a joke would be appropriate. Conscious consideration in conversation will prove that you are not completely self-centered, as they may have thought based on the disaster of the first meeting.
As to dress, you do want to achieve balance. Think of the impression of what you wear. You would go into a job interview dressed a neatly pressed suit with your shoes polished (and not obviously worn down at the heel) hair not in need of a cut now, etc, but not looking like you’re posing for a men’s fashion magazine. Is an entry level accountant expected to come into work in an Armani suit with a Rolex watch, gold cufflinks, and alligator shoes? No. (Take note of this for when you do go for a job interview.) At that point you wish to look professionally polished but not extravagantly elegant. Unless you and the date’s parents are in a very high tax bracket, it would not be expected for you to dress as the average Yosef would for his brother’s wedding. On the other hand, unless you are going to be baling hay on your date, it is expected that you arrive somewhat gussied up in clean and pressed clothes, usually a suit, or sports jacket paired with dress slacks. Option for hat as a possible backseat accessory. Frayed chinos tucked into high-tops and a T-shirt will not cut it. In truth, you can get away with a nice sweater and slack combination, but that completely depends on the circle you date in. So know what you’re getting into (and the weather forecast) in planning what you will wear.
Whether it’s in dress, manner, or conversation, if you erred on the first round, get a clue to get it right the second time. Learn from your mistakes to improve and others will take positive note of it. I wish you hatzlacha in your search.
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