Your online resource: from shidduchim through shana rishona.
Home
Advertising Jewish Wedding Guide Planning Directory LookingGood Jewelers
From the first issue: Fall 2005 5766: Shalom Bayis Reality Check
For those of you already married or those who can picture
themselves in the matrimonial state, which answer would you say is correct for
the following
scenario:
Your husband is really wonderful, but he has a habit of leaving his dirty socks on the floor, which drives you crazy. You've pointed out to him that you want all dirty laundry placed in the hamper. While he responds that he intends to shape up, the next morning, you notice his socks on the floor again. You then proceed to:
a) scream at him to impress upon him how upset this makes you
b) analyze the situation and conclude that this is a passive-aggressive demonstration of his disdain for your preferences and start thinking that your relationship is falling apart.
c) pick up his socks and place them in the hamper yourself without saying anything to him
d) pick up his socks and place them under his pillow without saying anything to him
Which do you feel is the best choice and why? Think about
your answer before you go on reading.
Ok. You made your choice? And the correct answer is . . . . By the way, have you ever been informed about what statistics indicate about multiple choice tests? The most common correct answer choice is C, and if not, then B. Also the longest choices tend to be correct. So now you can look back up and wonder, does that mean I should have picked C, or is B, the longest choice, the right answer?
Well, this isn’t exactly math. The choices actually
represent a variety of reactions that would stem from different personality
types. However, there are particular courses of action that are better
than others. Find the recommended course of action for this scenario in http://www.examiner.com/x-18522-NY-Jewish-Bridal-Examiner~y2009m8d18-Relationship-reality-check-part-2-of-2
------------------------------------
Shalom Bayis Reality Check: Expressions, Expectations, and Context
By A Brown, PhD.
Picture the following scenario: Chana has put in a grueling week. On Thursday she realizes that she has to begin her Shabbos cooking, but first she has to go grocery shopping, and she has to also pull together something to eat for Thursday night. She speaks with her husband at midday and admits that the day is “a bit rough,” but just leaves it at that.
Her husband doesn’t press for details, offering, “You can tell me all about it at dinner.”
Chana arrives home later than usual, hauling sacks of groceries. When her husband asks her what she would like him to do, she stifles expression of disappointment at his assumption that they will stay in for dinner. She had been hoping what he said on the phone indicated that he would seek to ease her burdens by taking her out to dinner. But instead of saying this out loud, she responds, “Nothing. Just you should know, that it will take at least 20 minutes for supper to be ready.”
Attempting to reassure her, he says, “That’s OK with
me.”
That
innocuous sentence was the wrong thing to say, though, for it spurred Chana
think, “Well, it’s not OK with me! I’m hungry myself, and I’m completely
worn out from the stresses that have piled up all week. The topper is
taking time out to prepare supper for my husband and then to go on to prepare
for Shabbos! If he were really paying attention to me, he would know
that what I need now is a bit of relaxation – not another meal to
prepare. The fact that he is not offering to go out to eat tonight shows
that he doesn’t really care!”
If she really explodes, then Chana may even give voice to some of these thoughts, expressed in an angry or hurt tone of voice. Her husband would be genuinely surprised. He would be surprised that Chana expected him to make the offer for what she wanted to do. In such a situation, he may respond by saying, “If you wanted to go out to eat tonight, why didn’t you just say so?”
In her present mood, Chana is not likely to concede the fact that she should clearly express her preferences if she wants her husband to realize them. Rather she would stick to her view that a person who really cared would be able to sense what she wanted even if she doesn’t say a word about it. The scenario is all too common. It can also work in reverse with the husband expecting his wife to divine his unspoken wishes. But the difference is that the wife often will succeed in doing just that, which is why she feels so hurt when her husband does not or cannot reciprocate.
“The Tender Telepathy Myth” is what this is termed by Suzette Haden Elgin, PhD, in Genderspeak: Men, Women, and the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense. (John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 1993). This expectation that your needs can and should be picked up telepathically by one who cares about you is often at the root of “communication breakdown” between men and women. Women tend to be more disappointed by this myth than men because they are generally conditioned to take notice of the behavior of those around them until they can fairly well predict what is what is expected to keep everyone content. It is not by accident that a wife appears to read her husband’s mind; it is the result of learning his habits, preferences and his various moods. As a result, she can figure out who he is speaking to on the phone based on his tone of voice and body language and can sense when he is in the mood for company, and when he want to be alone. While men have the same ability, which they tend to exercise when getting to know their wives, they usually do not keep it up to the same extent that women do. “The result of this difference is the Tender Telepathy Myth: The idea women have that men give as much attention to learning to predict their behavior as women give to learning to predict the men’s” (Elgin 239-240).
It is the gap between the wife’s and husband’s expectations for communication that result in dissonance. The wife assumes that she should not have to express what she wants to someone who is close enough to her to intuit it. Consequently, she believes that her husband must really know what is in her mind and that he only refuses to offer it because he does not care to do what will make her happy. On the other hand, the husband believes that if his wife really wants to go out to eat, she could just say so. So long as he knows what she wants, he would be happy to oblige her.
“The Tender Telepathy Myth” is built on fundamentally flawed assumptions that lead to an unwarranted conclusion. Elgin explains the process of reasoning. The primary premise is: “People who love you don’t need to be told what you want or need; they just know.” On that basis, you can infer that if “you want something and you know they would be willing to do it – but they don’t do it until you ask them to – that’s a deliberate power play on their part.” The next corollary is that “when they do what you want” but only “after being asked, it doesn’t count.” By this reasoning, you can conclude that someone who will only comply with your wishes when you explicitly state them “doesn’t really love you” (Elgin 240-241).
The person who adheres to this myth is doomed to numerous letdowns. While men have been known to rise to the occasion in certain circumstances, it is not as normative a form of behavior for them as it is for women. If she (for women are the ones who most often cling to this view) would accept that in such cases men are truly clueless in a literal sense, then she would not resent his failure to offer what she wished until she put it into clear words. That is why husbands are flabbergasted to hear statement like, “Couldn’t you tell that I wanted to have dinner out? If you were not able to see that, then you obviously don’t really care about me.” To the husband, it is not obvious at all. The wife’s charges would only be reasonable if the myth of “Tender Telepathy” were true, but as it is a myth and not a fact, the husband is, in this case, not guilty as charged. When we are calm, we can easily see that the assumptions that underlie the myth are irrational. The challenge is to remember that when we are feeling stressed and to only expect compliance with our wishes when they are clearly expressed. That is not to say that men are never capable of reading between the expressed lines of speech. There are situations in which they must gather meaning not so much from the words as from the context in which they were expressed.
A striking instance of contextual determination of meaning is based on expectation for behavior regarding repayment of loans that are officially absolved. In Re’ey (16:2) the Torah introduces the laws pertaining to the seventh year called shmitta, “Vezeh d’var hashmitta.” One translation of the phrase would be “This is the matter of the shmitta.” But the Gemara in Gittin 37B offers a different reading: “This is the manner of expression of the shmitta.” The form of expression has to be understood within its specific context. As all debts are cancelled by the shmitta, a person who is offered repayment of a loan must declare to the borrowers, “Meshmet ani,” officially releasing him of the obligation. “However, if the borrower tell him, ‘Nevertheless [I wish to pay you],’ he should accept the money, as it says, Vezeh d’var hashmitta.” The Gemara continues to explain that within the context of the shmitta year, one must know that the lender is forced to declare his absolution of the loan. In reality, though, he wants his money back. Knowing that reality, the borrower is supposed to respond to the declared release with his own insistence that the lender accept payment.
The Gemara recounts an incident in which one of the players was ignorant of these rules of expression. When Abba Bar Minyuni approached Rabbah to offer payment, Rabbah made the declaration “Meshmet ani.” Taking him at his word, Abba left with his money. Rabbah was sad about his loss. His mood was noticed by Abaye who asked him about it. After Rabbah told him, Abaye went to speak with Abba and enlightened him of the fact that, despite the official absolution, he is expected to insist on paying Rabbah. Abba had not responded on cue because he was ignorant of the practice of communication within the contextual terms of shmitta. This is an example of what Elgin terms “high context.” What is really desired need not be expressed by the lender because it can be understood by the context. “’The information is presupposed’” (Elgin 240). The problem that often crops up in marital communication is that women find themselves in the situation of Rabbah, saying what they should according to form with the expectation that their partner will understand what they really mean. However, when their partner is as ignorant of the contextual clues as Abba proved to be, they find themselves taken at their word and misunderstood.
To achieve Shalom Bayis, we sometimes have to go against our natural
inclination. So a rewrite of Chana’s experience would just entail one
minor change. When she speaks to her husband on the phone during the day,
she should be honest about how strained she feels. If he does not think to
offer a reprieve in the form of dinner out, she can suggest herself: “With
all that I have to do, preparing dinner for tonight just seems like too much,
how about we go out to eat?” In all probability her husband would
agree. She would get what she needed, he would be gratified to be told
exactly what it was, and both would be happier as a result.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Be sure to check out The Jewish Marriage Book: Improving Your Marriage One Jewish Holiday at a Time by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin MS, LGPC Certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist available on http://www.jewishmarriagecounseling.com/the-jewish-marriage-book.html
Creating Your Vision to Build Your Relationship
A Practical Exercise by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin MS, LGPC
Though the aveilus (mourning) of the three weeks and nine days suspend the celebrations of the summer wedding season, what we learn from this time period in the Jewish calendar actually sheds light on how to build up a marriage relationship. If you think about it, what are we doing mourning the churban (destruction) of the Bais HaMikdash two thousand years after it happened? Crying on Tisha B’Av is longing for redemption and committing to bring about that process. It is not about becoming depressed and immobile. It is about taking the first step toward rebuilding by establishing a clear vision. As a Jewish home is compared to the Bais HaMikdash, it is a fitting time to develop a vision of what your home, or more specifically your relationship, looks like.
The Vision
The Seforim Hakedoshim write that the aveilus of Tisha B’Av is not about what was and is no longer; rather it is about a longing for what is currently absent. The fact that the Bais haMikdash no longer exists tells us something about the present, as the Yerushalmi (Yoma 1) says, " kol dor s’aino nivneh b’yamav, maaleh alav akasuv k’ilu hechrivo," For any generation in which it is not rebuilt, it is as if that generation destroyed it. The first step to rebuilding is to have a vision of what you want to build. The Shabbos preceding Tisha B’Av is called Shabbos Chazon, the Shabbos of vision. It is one of the only Shabbosim of the year, besides Shuva and Nachamu, that are named after the Haftorah. The Apter Rav, the Ohev Yisroel, writes that it is the holiest Shabbos of the entire year, a Shabbos on which, according to the Kedushas Levi, we are all shown a vision of the 3rd Bais HaMikdash.
Having a vision provides us direction to reach our destination and helps us focus our energy to get there. Without it, we may feel aimless, chaotic, and empty. This is especially true with relationships. A lot of couples get married and assume the relationship will take care of itself. Sooner or later they realize that it is not so easy. They both entered the marriage with their own unconscious ideas of how their relationship would be, with separate desires, dreams, values, and needs. Many early frustrations in a marriage arise when couples butt heads about these very issuesm issues about which they thought they were on the same page.
Whether you have already woken up to the reality that some degree of conflict is inevitable in relationships, an element of churban, or are not yet married, it is essential for you to co-create a conscious shared vision. How do you want to build your BaisHaMikdash? What are its foundations? I believe this is so important that I have couples create their own relationship vision. This exercise is based on the work of Dr Harville Hendrix, author of Getting the Love You Want and can be done in your own home. All you will need is three pieces of paper and two writing implements.
The Exercise: What to
Write 
On two separate sheets of paper, both you and your chasson/kallah or spouse list your personal relationship vision. Entitle the page " My Relationship Vision." You will do this by writing a positive, descriptive, and specific sentence. Instead of the negative, "we do not fight", put down the positive, "we get along together in a loving relationship." Vision has a magnetic power that draws people to it. As opposed to focusing on what we don’t want and investing our energy in moving away from the past, away from the destruction, and mourning about what we no longer have or fear what could be, let us shift our attention to what we want. This helps us move towards it with greater ease than getting stuck in our fears or our old way of being. Vision pulls us to something positive instead of leaving negativity. Its focus is on aseh tov [doing good] as opposed to sur m’ra [avoiding the bad].
Another important point is that the vision should be formulated in the present tense. As opposed to saying "we will be happy", write "we are happy." When we formulate the vision in the present tense, we act on Hashem’s clock where there is no distinction between past, present, and future. The future is here now. Our dream relationship is before our eyes at this very moment. When we think of it this way, we can actually live it as opposed to waiting for it.
Once you have constructed your vision statements, using a separate line for each sentence, begin to rank the items according to relative value/importance to you by writing a number on the left column of the paper. On the right column rank items according to difficulty. Finally, circle the two most valuable items to your vision.
Finding Your Mutual Vision
When you are both done, read each other your visions and note which items you have in common. Now, you are ready to create your shared relationship vision! On one piece of paper, write the title "Our Relationship Vision." Write down the four circled items (two from each of your personal visions). This is followed by writing down all of the mutually agreed upon items. Draw a line after the mutually agreed upon items and write down all of the other items that you had listed. You are almost there!
Label the left and right columns of that sheet with your names (one name on each side) and individually rank each of the sentences with a value from 1-5 with 5 being the highest value. Each of you will put a check by the two most difficult to achieve.
Checking Your Progress
Once you are finished, post your relationship vision in a place where you will be able to see it. Take a moment every day to glance at it and/or spend a few minutes every Shabbos to read it together. Are your relationship choices and actions in line with that vision? Do you feel yourself moving towards that vision? Merely reading the vision on a regular basis can help create a shift in a relationship and move it in a positive direction. It will make you more conscious about what you really want. It also provides encouragement that you are making progress in achieving your vision.
You can’t imagine how surprised one of my couples was to see that eight months after they had written out their relationship vision, they had achieved everything on their list, except for financial goals. While the vision helped set the wheels in motion, they also spent months working on their relationship. For a vision to become a reality, and not an illusion, an action plan must be put into effect. Besides the clear goals or specific statements of the relationship vision, an objective, or concrete measurable behavior which you must engage in to reach those goals, is needed. The next step is to formulate a strategy for executing the objective, determining who will do what and when. If your objective to achieve the goal of " we spend quality time together" is to eat out at a restaurant, the strategy would detail how often you go out and who is responsible for making the reservations, etc. In order to increase motivation, it is helpful to visualize the sensory effects of the goal: what it looks, sounds, feels, smells, and taste like as well as the emotion you will experience upon reaching that goal. Finally, think or write down the positive consequences/payoff of that goal.
Simultaneous Building
Not only have you created a vision of a new reality for your relationship, you are taking the steps to get there. By investing in having a conscious marriage, you are not only building your own Bais Hamikdash on solid footing, you are adding your brick to the collective Bais haMikdash, sheyibaneh bimheyra biyameynu, [which should be built soon, in our days] as the Gemara says (Berachos 33a) "Kol adam she’yesh bo deah, k’ilu nivneh Bais haMikdash b’yamav," for anyone who has understanding (consciousness), it is as if the Bais haMikdash was rebuilt in his days.
Rabbi Slatkin is a Licensed Graduate Professional Counselor and Certified IMAGO Relationship Therapist in practice with the Pastoral Counseling and Consultation Centers of Greater Washington, serving clients in the Baltimore metropolitan area. He specializes in working with couples and families and is available for lectures and seminars in your community on the spiritual journey of relationships. To sign up to receive the free download: Where Young Marriage Go Wrong- And What You Can Do to Make it Right please visit www.jewishmarriagecounseling.com or call 202-449-3789 x706
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Neat Negotiations
Dear Ms. Maven,
In most respects, my husband is very considerate. He does not leave his laundry or dishes strewn about. But one thing he does really bothers me. I like the living room, which is the room people enter into from the front door, to look perfect. I straighten up and dust in almost every day. But the effect of work is lost when my husband comes home. He leaves his books all over the living room. While we have plenty of shelf space to keep them neatly in place, he takes out up to ten at a time. I’ll find some open ones on the coffee table and some closed ones on the end table and even some on the sofa. I’ve tried asking him to put the books away, but he says he will when he’s finished with them. But he will leave them all out up to days at a time! I don’t know why he is oblivious to how messy this makes the living room look. What can I do to keep my living room in proper order?
-In a State
Dear Ms. Maven,
My wife is really an accomplished homemaker. She especially enjoys trying out new recipes. I am appreciate her efforts and the results (so long as she doesn’t try to slip in any broccoli). Yet the way she goes about it really bothers me. She will pick up the groceries she needs for the recipes. Then, instead of putting everything in its place, she will just leave the bags about, only removing each item as she has to add it to the pot or the bowl. At some point every counter surface will be covered with ingredients, the mixer will be coated in flour, and the sink will be overloaded with pots, pans, mixing bowls, etc. She says there’s no point to cleaning up while she is still in the middle of cooking. But she can be in the middle for hours and hours! I like an orderly environment, and would like the dishes and supplies put into their proper places. Sometimes I start putting things away, but then she complains that she still needs to use the salt or the oil and left it out on purpose. I can’t understand how my wife who takes pride in having the house ready for any unexpected visitor can be so messy about the kitchen.
-Perplexed
Ms. Maven Responds:
Having read both letters, you may conclude that each writer is a bit of a neat freak who can’t understand the messy tendencies of his/her spouse. However, the categories of “neat” and “messy” are not all that clear-cut. It is quite possible that the writers are actually married to each other. Both regard themselves as valuing neatness and order, they just do so in different ways. The key difference between them is in how they define clutter in context. Clutter is made up of objects that are neither decorative nor useful so that they just take up space and disturb the clean look of a neatly arranged room. However, if something is out of place because it is being put to use – say a book that is normally on a shelf, or a kitchen gadget that is normally in the cabinet – would the person using the object regard it as clutter? Of course not, it is out because it is needed; therefore, it does not constitute clutter. But from another person’s perspective who does not see the particular object in use at the moment, it may, in fact, be regarded as clutter that renders an otherwise neat room messy.
The wife’s letter indicates that she values neatness primarily in the most public space of her home – the living room. That is the first room a visitor to her house would see. In fact, the visitor may not see any other room, so that the sole impression of her ability to maintain her home in order would be based on the state of the living room. Consequently, for the woman who takes pride in her home’s public appearance would put a priority on keeping the living room looking pristine, and she would not want any clutter to mar the effect. Her husband, on the other hand, regards the living room as one in which he can relax while pursuing his own interest among his books. He certainly does not regard his books as clutter when he is using them and would see no contradiction between being a neat person and leaving his books about the living room while he still intends to return to them.
Now let’s move on to the second letter. Could this husband be the same one who leaves the books about the living room? If so, how could he fault his wife for a messy kitchen? The answer is that he does not regard the books as effecting a messy room, but he does see the items about the kitchen as messy. Now, why would a house-proud wife not clean up after herself while she is in the kitchen? While she is in the throes of preparing a cake, she is not bothered by the spilled flour and cocoa and would regard stopping to clean up in the middle as inefficient and pointless, for mixing the frosting may just add a layer of confectioners sugar to the spills. And while she cannot tolerate a mess in the room into which visitors are ushered, she regards the kitchen as her own working domain and not the room that presents her home to the world. So she can be content with a mess in the kitchen that she would never tolerate in the living room.
What we have in the two letters is not an instance of an easy-going personality in conflict with a neat-freak personality. We have two personalities with different perspectives on what constitutes neatness and mess. This is a situation in which “each person tends to be especially sensitive to a different form of mess,” according to Eric Abrahamson and David H. Freedman describe in their book, A Perfect Mess: The Hidden Benefits of Disorder. (New York: Little, Brown, and Co., 2006 p. 115). While the situation will naturally give rise to some tension, it is not an impossible situation, so long as each one is respectful of the other’s particular inclinations. It may be obvious that some compromise is necessary, but how is it to be effected. Abramson and Freedman offer two approaches:
“Complementary mess takes the general form of ‘I’ll struggle to keep one sort of mess under control, and you struggle to keep a different sort of mess under control.’” This approach requires exercising both tolerance and perspective. So when the wife discovers her husbands books open on the couch, she will realize that he did not do it to mar her perfect living room but just because of his habit. Likewise, the husband can bear in mind that the chaotic state of the kitchen is a temporary one and not intended as an assault on his preference for neatness.
“The mess demilitarized zone defines boundaries between areas that will be subject to the mess preferences of one person, areas subject to the preferences of the other, and areas over which neither holds mess-related sway. It’s most useful when one or both people need to have some space where they brook no compromise to their preferences.” So if there is a den available to this couple, it may be set aside for the husband’s use as a library in which books are not limited to shelf space only. The wife may claim the kitchen as her own territory if she is the only one with kitchen duty. And they will have to come to an agreement about approaching the other rooms in the house and agree on whether books or kitchen overflow would be allowed in the dining room, for example.
The husband and wife would have to come to a consensus as a couple to achieve the balance between order and mess that would be most conducive to their own home’s harmony. It is not the state of neatness but the respectful and cooperative attitude that prove key to maintaining the real beauty of the home, that of shalom
-------------------------------
Dear Ms. Maven,
I would like your
advice on what type of jewelry to buy
Our block has
alternate side of the street parking, and I don’t always get the
ca
.
Thi
s is what
happened. Parking on our street was
tight one evening, so I parked a bit close to a hydrant. The next morning my car was gone. There had been a towing blitz, and my
car was taken to the pound. I
wanted not to upset my wife, so I didn’t tell her anything about it and took
care of everything by myself. I
took the money I needed out of our checking account at an ATM because I didn’t
want her to know anything about it.
I didn’t realize that she was sending out checks based on the bank
balance before I had taken the money out.
A few days later, she was shocked and upset to hear from three different people that
her check had bounced. She couldn’t
understand how she could have made such a mistake with the check book. When she called the bank, she found out
about the ATM withdrawal. She
thought that someone must have managed to tap into our account and got really
worked up about it. I didn’t want
her to be so upset, so I had to admit what I did. She was not altogether relieved. Between the fees our bank charged and the
fees charged for the people who deposited our checks, we had to come up with
another $180 on top of the couple of hundred that had to cover the
towing.
Like I told you, my wife has become anxious about money. So she did not take this very well. Seeing that she was down, I ordered the local florist’s top of the line bouquet delivered for Shabbos. Her reaction was not what I had hoped for. She mumbled something about “another $100.” Actually, the flowers cost $150, but I didn’t tell her that. She’s still tense about the towing and checks. Just yesterday the doctor reported that her blood pressure reading was a bit high. I remember a rabbi’s marriage advice column I read somewhere said that if a wife is upset, a husband should buy her a diamond. I think the cost was supposed to be $1500. But prices may have gone up, so I am ready to spend twice that much. I just don’t know if I should buy a diamond necklace or bracelet. What do you recommend?
- Well Intentioned Husband
Ms. Maven Responds:
Good move about the flowers. I refer not to their purchase but to your restraining yourself from correcting your wife’s underestimation of their cost. My initial response to this was: “I’m speechless!” My second response was: “This must be a joke.” After all, there are two Adars this year, so it is possible that the Purim spirit comes on extra early for some. My third and final response is as follows. In case, this is not a joke and the writer is seriously presenting this question, he is very seriously in need of guidance, and I don’t mean about jewelry.
You may have the best intentions, but as you should have learned from the fiasco you described, harm can result even without the intent. You didn’t mean to have your car towed, and you didn’t mean to cause your checks to bounce. But those things did happen, and there was a price to pay. So your wife, who was already anxious about money, saw several hundred dollars fly out the window as a result of your lack of responsibility. In addition to that, she may have felt embarrassed about having bounced the checks, even though she had written them in good faith. The practical question now is how to get her to not stay upset about it. You saw that flowers didn’t fix the problem and seem to believe that the right piece of jewelry will do the trick. But before you plunk down a wad of cash, or, more likely, your credit card, for such a purchase let’s carefully consider the facts and analyze exactly what is the cause of the problem here so that we can come up with the right solution.
One of life’s
essential lessons is that not everything is solved by throwing money at it. It really is tempting to take care
of everything with just the effort involved in pulling our one’s wallet. But that motion is not always effective
or even appropriate. In light of
your wife’s resolve to save money, your proposal to buy her a piece of jewelry
expensive enough to break you budget is both counterproductive and insensitive.
As your wife does not come across as an
irrational woman, why should you
think that all her concern about your negligence in this matter will dissipate
at the sight of a diamond she knows you cannot afford? What you are proposing is the equivalent
of saying, “my wife is upset about my actions that resulted in the needless loss
of money, so I will rectify the
situation by purchasing a diamond and incurring debt.” The fact that an expensive bouquet did
not have the effect you thought it would should have indicated to you that you
were not on the right path. It is
unlikely that she is t to be swayed
by a bribe that is ultimately coming out of her own pocket. I do hope that comprehension is
beginning to dawn on you.
Exacerbating the financial situation by buying a piece of jewelry that is
beyond you
Now let’s move on to what you should do. You should apologize sincerely and plan how to improve the situation for the future. Think of the components of teshuva – regret, confession of wrongdoing, and resolve for the future. First, you have to fully appreciate the impact from your wife’s point of view and not just in terms of dollars. Granted, you did not intend for all this to blow up in the way that it did. Nevertheless, in fact, you showed disregard for your wife. She may read this as a lack of respect and consideration for her and a trivialization of her concerns. You also hid your actions from her, and though your intent was to spare her stress, you have to realize that surreptitiousness does not nurture trust. Keeping her in the dark in this case resulted in her embarrassment at having her checks returned. You can’t just buy that back with baubles, no matter how stunning. You have to earn your way with behavior that proves your worthiness and shows your respect and consideration for your wife.
To work on reducing her stress, offer her something that contributes to her tranquility and shows you care -- without a credit card statement looming over the horizon. Here are some options: Treat her to a special dinner – not at an expensive restaurant – but at home, prepared and cleared up by you. Set up a relaxing bath for her (not too hot for her condition). Prepare her brown bag lunch for her and enclose a note or a sweet. Take care of some of the tasks she may normally handle, like laundry, grocery shopping, vacuuming, dusting, sweeping, mopping, or paying the bills. Just be sure to keep the bank book balanced. And be sure to keep up such gifts after the baby is born when you can add on tasks such as feeding, diaper changing, bathing, and entertaining the baby when the new mother needs a break.
That is not to say that a husband should never buy his wife jewelry or flowers. However, one has to be perceptive enough to judge if such a gift is appropriate to the occasion. Keep focused on the goal, which is to show you care for and appreciate your wife, not to take her breath away and then have her worry about the expense. To mark special occasions, like you anniversary or the birth of your baby, you can buy jewelry valued for its sentiment rather than its metal and jewels, balloons, inexpensive flowers, or even blooming plants that will remind her of your gift as they blossom into flower year after year without doing long term damage to your household budget. Effort, thought, and consideration are more meaningful than dollars spent. The key thing to remember is that shalom bayis is not something that could be easily bought, though it could be well earned.
Dear Ms. Maven,
My wedding was set for February 29th. My question is on what day do we celebrate our anniversary next year?
-Question of Date
Ms. Maven Responds:
That is an excellent question. As February 29th only occurs every four years, you may be tempted to take that much time between anniversary celebrations. The advantage of this is the look of astonishment on people’s faces when you announce that you have been married less than four years when you celebrate your child’s bar/bat mitzvah.
However, the word anniversary does denote a yearly celebration, so if you wish to mark the date each year, which date do you select? One’s first reaction may be, March 1st, of course. The logic behind this is that it would correspond to the day after February 28th and be a full 365 days after February 29th of this year. But there is also another possible way to view the date. It is possible to take the position that the essence of the date of February 29th is not the day after February 28th but the last day of February. By that definition, the corresponding date for the anniversary would be next year’s last day of February, which is, of course February 28th. In support of this position, I have to say, that at least the months are the same, as opposed to taking the first day of March, which is a different month entirely. Perhaps two days should be observed for the anniversary because of sfeyka deyoma, so that the anniversary would be commemorated on both February 28th and March 1st of next year.
It really is not at
all a simple question, perhaps as worthy of debate of which Adar of this year
represents the “real” Adar. There
are quite a few Talmudic discussions devoted to just that point. The answer is not determined by the fact
that Purim is celebrated in the second Adar, for that may be due to the
historical event having occurred in a leap year during that month. So the question of the defining
characteristic of Adar would be, is it the month after Shvat, or the month that
precedes Nissan. And now, dear
readers, if you have not figured it out, I must assure you that this question is not one sent in
earnest but devised specifically to offer you some Purim style lomdus.
As for the answer to this question, it would depend on your posek’s determination of the status of
the leap day, or the leap month, as the case may be. Enjoy your Purim
celebration – and a triple one in Yerushalayim this
year.-
------
Revitalize Your
Relationship By
Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin MS, LGPC
Caring
behaviors are the perfect gifts to restore and increase love and goodwill in a
marriage. They are specific behaviors that are done unconditionally to make our
partners feel loved and cared for. During engagement or in the beginning of
marriage, most couples freely exchange caring behaviors with each other. It is
when challenges start to arise in the relationship and the ensuing power
struggle that we become a bit less generous. Perhaps we don’t give them at all,
or we keep score and only give when we feel our spouse has “earned” it. As a
result, couples can find their
interactions not to be very caring or loving. To return to the positive
feelings, we need to extend to our spouse the behaviors that used to make
him/her feel cared for and loved. Here’s how you can revitalize your
relationship and heal the division in your home:
Home Advertising Jewish Wedding Guide Planning Directory LookingGood Jewelers Contact