Wedding
Planning Advice 
Finding-a-gown-style-that-is-right-for-you
Shopping
for your headpiece
For an
insider's tips on
getting the most out of your budget for your pictures and
video,
see the article by Nancy Yachnes
French and Russian are not just languages or dressings; they are serving styles. Learn more in :-Selecting-your-caterer--key-terms-to-know
Wedding
Flowers
Wedding Thank You
Notes: the whom, what, when, and how according to etiquette.
What you need to know about making it legal in NY in 2 parts:
License-to-wed-part-1-of-2 & part-2-of-2
Pulling
it all together in 4 months or less
How long should an engagement be? There is no set answer. The Gmara references an assumed standard of a year, during which a bride would prepare her needs for her new household. Some Chassidim maintain this practice, though the engaged parties likely not see each other from the engagement until the wedding. The custom of yearlong engagement seems to go way back, as we see in the exchange of Eliezer and Rivka’s parents. They requested that she stay on at home for a year, while he said he needed to return with a bride immediately. As we know, Rivka broke the custom to enter a husband’s household immediately. So even then “rules” for engagement duration were broken.
In All Dressed in White: The
Irresistible Rise of the American Wedding (New
York: Penguin Books, 2004), Carol Wallace explains that the “planning
time” needed for a wedding has changed according to bridal magazine
directives. Bride’s includes a schedule for wedding
planning. “As
late as the 1960s, the lead time could be as little as three months,
though six months was preferable; by 1973, the magazine instructed its
reader that it took as long as year to plan a big formal reception”
(233). It is not only a question of
planning but of booking one’s
preferred hall, caterer, and band, while they still have dates
open.
Indeed many bridal guides will begin the timetable a year or more in
advance of the big day. The average American engagement period today
has extended to 18 months.
But the average for Orthodox
circles seems to be somewhere around three or four months with some
engagements as short as six weeks. So, it is possible to pull
everything together in a shorter space of time, though the shorter the
time you have to work with, the less likely it is that you will be able
to get your first choice of venue. Below is a general
timeline for
wedding planning that assumes about 3-4 months. Generally,
the “as
soon as possible” would take place 4 plus months before the
wedding.
Obviously, though, for a shorter engagement, there is less lead time,
and the schedule directives must be adjusted accordingly.
As soon as possible:
Select a date for the wedding.
Discuss
expectations and finance with both sets of parents to come up with how
much you can spend and an estimate of number of guests that will attend.
Set a firm budget that should allow margin below the total you have to
work with, as certain items will always creep up.
Reserve your slot at the hall and with the caterer; that may require a
deposit.
Decide if you want a monogram and have it designed in time to print on
invitations.
Order invitations and thank you notes.
Find a kallah class teacher who suits you and set up a schedule that
works for you.
Schedule an ob/gyn exam (recommended for a number of reasons)
Review all your borrowing, renting, and buying options to find your
perfect wedding dress within your budget.
Select a headpiece style to coordinate with your gown. You
can buy, rent, borrow, or make one.
Decide if you want a set color scheme and what it would be.
Find dresses for mothers, sisters, etc.
Select
a photographer and videographer and book for your date after clarifying
details of what particular package you want and how not to incur
overtime charges.
Choose your florist; clarify that you can get what
you need and want within your budget, and then and book for your date;
be prepared for the deposit.
Book the band you want; a desposit may be required.
If
you want to get a wig in time for the wedding, look into what is
available and narrow down what
you will look for and where. If you want one that is truly
custom made
for you, allow 8-12 weeks. You would need to put down a
deposit.
If
you intend to register for china, crystal, and china patterns, you
should do so three months prior to the wedding, assuming time permits.
Your registry should be set by the time the invitations go out.
About 2-3 months before:
Make menu choices with caterer to fit your budget and expected number
of guests.
Make
your selections for flowers. Bring in pictures or sketch of
your
wedding gown along with swatch to match your bouquet to the dress style
and shade. Consider not only your color scheme but
seasonal
selections. Be clear on your first choice and what
substitutions
would be acceptable.
Shop for sheitels, hats, and other hair
covering, as well as outfits for sheva brachos you
may need.
For the groom, with his presence
and input, buy tallis, as well as the atara decoration for it, tallis
bag --- can be custom embroidered with name, buy kittel – it may need
some adjustment. Bring him along to pick out gifts
like watches and
cuff links to be sure they are to his taste, and ask if he prefers a
particular edition for a “chasson” shas.
The bride may pick out her choice of silver candlesticks if this
traditional gift is offered by the groom's family.
Address
and mail
invitations.
Select a band.
Do-it-Yourself Options for a Simcha
If you have to think small for your simcha, you may find yourself having to think premium for the price. From catering to benchers, the standard per item cost usually assumes an order of at least 100, 250, or even more. If you are planning a small simcha like a vort, auf ruf, or sheva brochos for which you want to send out formal invitations, the number you need will not meet the minimum required for printing. As much of the work of printing is the initial setup, the printer is forced to charge as much for 50 as for 200 to cover that expense. So at that quantity you would have to pay over $3.50 a piece even for a not very elaborate invitation. Economies of scale generally kick in above 250, so that 500 costs you far less than double the cost of 250 unless the paper stock itself is extremely expensive. That is why you are generally advised to order more invitations than you need. It doesn’t add much to the cost of initial printing, and some will inevitably be damaged or lost. Also if you have contingency guest lists that you have to wait on, you will have invitations on hand available for them. Printing them up as a separate run would cost you far more than just printing 300 instead of 275.
But even if the number of guests on you list is too small for the printer, you can still have beautiful invitations. You can find high quality paper invitation kits that include the envelops and reply cards online and at stores that carry stationery products. They often come in quantities of 50, but some are even available in smaller quantities, which is useful for really small parties or if you realize you have 55 guest to invite. If you have the patience and handwriting for it, you can hand write each one for a truly personalized touch, or just print off your computer. Even a standard word processing program includes several elegant fonts to choose from. Doing the printing yourself allows you to customize the text; it can say one thing for the out of town guests and something else for those just invited the Kiddush so that each guest is clear on what to expect.
When it came time to pick out invitations for my son’s bar mitzvah, we picked out an ivory invitation pack of 50 at Michael’s. At $29.99, it was neither the cheapest nor the most expensive one available. We actually got some compliments on the invitation and found the results as attractive as and even nicer than many standard printed invitations. My husband found a way to get the Hebrew to print correctly, which in effect required flipping the print. But if you have a full Hebrew word processing program, that part will be easier to handle. We came up with the text and tried out various fonts to arrive at one that was both elegant and easily readable. Do bear in mind that highly embroidered fonts are sometimes difficult to read, and you do want your guests to know exactly what they are invited for and when to come.
To save time printing out our address twice for each invitation, we ordered a custom stamp with our name and address in attractive italicized letters from Iprint.com for about $14. We ordered black ink, as the invitations were printed out in black. But you can order custom stamps in blue, purple or other colors, and you can print your own invitations in any color your home printer can handle. We did not include a monogram, but if you really want to have it, you can even if you are printing out your own invitations The only embellishment that we added on to the invitations was a gold wax seal embossed with a stamp of B, at my son’s express request. The sealing wax and seal were $4.99 each. The invitations included response cards and envelops yet did not exceed standard postage weight.
When you pick out your invitations, bear in mind that if they weigh more than one ounce, they will require more than standard postage. You don’t want your invitations not getting to guests in time due to insufficient postage. It would also be embarrassing to have to add stamps on an envelop marked "Returned for Insufficient Postage" so that you would end up having to spend more time addressing fresh envelops to mail without any such telltale marks. To avoid such possible problems, you should definitely have your invitations weighed at the post office to ascertain exactly what type of stamps you need. Generally, the more elaborate invitations with the extra envelops and tissue paper will require more postage. You can choose a more streamlined style and limit the weigh even more by opting for postcards as the reply cards (also saving you return postage). You could also print RSVP info, such as a phone number or even a specially designated email address like March17Simcha@...com at the bottom of the invitation and skip the return cards altogether. (Do be warned that this may be regarded as rather too thrifty by some.) Many who receive invitations will lose their reply cards or just not bother to mail them or to call to clue you in to their intentions, so you will have to take some initiative. To play it safe, you can make rounds of calls to confirm; this is especially advisable for Shabbos simchas that require putting people up.
Even if the simcha you are making is not so small, you may want to keep the budget down for decorations. Fresh flower arrangements are usually the most expensive option, ranging from thirty-five to several hundred dollars Even simple balloon centerpieces can easily exceed $15 a piece even without delivery charges. But you have other options. You can borrow centerpieces from a gmach for a nominal fee that supports a tzedaka. Or you can make your own. Making your own centerpieces allows you to achieve exactly the look you want within your budget and on your own timetable. Fresh flowers or balloons have to be delivered right before the simcha, and their use terminates with the event. The centerpieces you put together, on the other hand, can be used after the simcha is over in your own home décor or to enhance another simcha. You can add a festive feel to the room by putting up inexpensive decorations available from party supply stores.
I bought a kit to create a personalized banner to read: "Mazel Tov" and my son’s name for $7.99. I also found some ceiling decorations that were not too theme oriented (as there are island, sports, movies, and loads of other theme decorations available) for such an occasion. They were five in a pack for $3.50.
A craft store like Michael’s offers a huge selection of silk flowers, as well as many options for containing them. Walmart offers many inexpensive vases in a range of sizes to choose from, as well as flowers and even kits to make the acrylic "water" ($5.95 per box) that adds an extra realistic touch for the stems arranged in a glass vase. The flowers I used for my son’s bar mitzvah actually came from the supermarket, Stop and Shop. I first was going to place a single white rose to be supported by colored marbles in each glass. But in the end, I opted for violet-hued bunches of hydrangea whose blossoms and leaves easily came off the stem to be inserted in the marbles. The glasses I used in place of vases were wide martini glasses with colored bases. A four pack cost less than $10. The only drawback of the glasses was that they easily tipped over when someone knocked against them. But they all remained intact, so the marbles and flowers just had to be scooped back into place. The flowers were $1.50 each, and the marbles, which could each fill 2 glasses, were $1 per bag at Eckerd D. You can adapt the same concept using larger vases or keep group some small ones in a circle for more impact on a large circular table. If you opt for acrylic water, your arrangements will stay in place better than mine did with loose marbles, but then you will not be able to take them apart. That’s fine so long as you have the place to store them or have people to bestow them upon.
You have even more centerpiece options if you do not limit yourself to flowers. Florist have lately begun incorporating fruit in their arrangements. You can create a centerpiece with the impact of color drawn from sliced limes or lemons in a clear glass vase. If you want something large, you can fill an oversized glass container with whole lemons, green apples, oranges that will actually remain edible after their decorative function is done. Kids would probably love a bouquet formed out of colorful lollipops stuck into put into small vases or jars decorated with a ribbon. A more sophisticated candy option is foil wrapped chocolates placed in a dish at the center. One kallah made her centerpiece from lit candles placed in deliberately mismatched candlesticks of different heights. Another candle option is to place floating ones in a glass dish of water. The water adds a reflective background. You can also place pillar candles alone or grouped in different heights on top of a mirror in your choice of size and shape. If you want to use lit candles outdoor, you can get a clear or decorated hurricane lamp to shelter the flame from the wind.
Overcoming Differences in Wedding
Planning
By Henie Fialkoff
So you have met the guy/girl of your dreams and you're ready to embark on a life together. To celebrate this brilliant event, you are going to have the best wedding ever! In an ideal world, this means the bride, groom and their respective parents all agree on exactly what "best" means and they have unlimited funds to realize their shared vision. Some picture it as an elaborate affair at a 5 star hotel with a 6 bridal attendants in matching gowns, a 7 course dinner for 1000 regaled by a 12 man orchestra; while others have much lower numbers in mind, especially when it comes to the numbers that follow the amount due and $ on the bill.
Remember, all you need is a chuppah, 2 eidim, a mesader kiddushin¸ a kesubah, and something of value (usually a ring) that the chasson gives the kallah. That's it. You don't even need a rabbi, a hall, gowns, flowers, food, music, customized benchers, or guests, although those are customary. So anything over and above the basics is negotiable. It’s up to the two sides to arrive at an agreement about what they must have, what it would be nice to have, and what is unnecessary, given the budget they have to work with. The key to accomplishing this as peaceably as possible to is to be flexible, keep everything in perspective, and maintain your sense of humor.
What if the machatanim's viewpoint seems alien to you? The first thing to do is to try to see the other person's view. Maybe there is a perfectly good reason behind their wish to do it that way. For example, they may want it in a particular location because an elderly grandparent can not travel far. Once you see their point of view you might agree that their concern is valid. If you cannot accommodate their preference for location, you can think of another solution to the problem. For example you could offer a private access van service for the elderly grandparent to ease the commute to another location.
Or perhaps your community simply doesn't do things "that way." A case in point is often mixed seating. If one side is adamant about having separate seating and one is adamant about having mixed seating, you do not have to call the whole thing off. You have several options available to accommodate the divergent preferences. You can have a mechitza between the two sets of guests with the arrangement of guests set as is customary in your respective kehillas on either side. Another possible compromise is to have several separate tables for the guests who wish to be seated separately.
Often the difference of opinion relates to financial matters. For example, at one chasana the machatanim were expecting $50-100 per table for flower arrangements because that is what they had paid at an older child's simcha. However, it really was beyond the means of the new machatanim. Flexibility in this case allowed them to move beyond the price tag. With careful shopping, they were able to find nice arrangements at a lower price.
Flowers are the first items included in the inventory known under the acronym FLOP that is customarily assigned to the chasson’s side. The others are liquor, orchestra, and photographer. Implicitly, the kallah’s side is expected to cover the cost of all the other items in the wedding. However, some situations may require a reassessment of this traditional division. What if one side has 200 guests and the other side has 20? What's fair in calculating the costs? You can do it 50-50 or 90-10, but another option is to pay evenly for the items that both sides use regardless of the size wedding, i.e. band and photographers, and then each side pays for their own guests' invitations, meals and table arrangements
You may also have to come to your own agreement about liquor at the wedding. Let's say your mechutan wants a full bar and you are worried about people overdoing it and either becoming drunk or presenting a safety hazard. You can
a. limit the time that the bar is open
b. have one or two bottles of wine at the table instead
c. designate someone to assure that no one over-indulges.
There are ways to work this out, so long as people remember to have the goal of a pleasant simcha in mind rather than insisting on their own way.
A Gadol Hador was once asked what his minhag was when he displayed diffrerent minhagim at different children's weddings. He answered "My minhag is yenem's minhag" Whatever his machatanim wanted was okay with him. Giving your machatanim that honor goes a long way towards Shalom Bayis.
Dr. Fialkoff is a pediatrician who resides in Los Angeles. She has made 4 chassonos in 2 years and is grateful for her machatanim.
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Wedding Tip: The Guest List
By Henie Fialkoff
Making up a guest list can be a daunting experience. No one has unlimited funds to invite EVERYONE, so where do you draw the line? Do you invite all the first cousins? How about second ones? All the neighbors? Your co-workers? What about Mrs. X who is a dear friend of your grandmother’s, but whom you find an interfering busybody? If this is an in-town wedding, leaving anyone off the list can be a wrenching experience. You want to avoid a social faux pas and not embarrass or offend anyone. If at all possible, when in doubt, do not leave them out. But you still have to stick to the budget you set out for yourself. So what can you do?
Crowd and Cost Control
With the size of weddings getting completely out of hand, some rebbeim have taken steps to limit the number of guests and thus the expense and ostentation. Some chassidic groups try to limit their lists to 250 people. If both the kallah and chosson come from large families, that effectively means the immediate family -- aunts, uncles, some cousins -- and only handful of friends. As the limit was set by the rebbe said, it is accepted.
For those who wish to include friends at the wedding but whose budget does not allow for such large numbers, there are various approaches to accommodate them. It is possible to invite only a specified category from among your friends and family to the full dinner and the rest to a designated part of the wedding. First you have to be clear on your categories of who will be invited to the full dinner and who for only part of the wedding. The cut-off could be set by age, i.e. no one under 16, for example or by relationship, i.e. no one more distantly related than first cousins. Or it could be immediate family and friends only. But whatever way you do this, it has to be consistent, or you risk offending lots of people.
One possibility is to invite everyone to chuppah and smorgasbord reception. There is some variation in this approach. Some offer the smorgasbord at the reception prior to the chuppah, while others offer only light refreshment at the initial reception and then offer the smorgasbord after the chuppah. That is at the initial round of dancing, allowing those guests who will not remain for the full dinner some participation in the dancing.
Another option that is increasingly popular in some circles it to invite those who cannot be included to the dinner to come after the main course is over – usually 9:30 or 10 PM for an evening wedding – for what is called simchas chosson v’kallah. This allows the younger crowd to join in the festivities and the mitzvah of dancing at the wedding without the expense of adding to the numbers for the dinner. It is not likely to get too crowded, as by that time, many of the guests who had arrived earlier are leaving. This shift in grouping allows more people to participate and allows the wedding principals to better focus on their guests.
Out of Town Simchas
Those who have an out-of town wedding are able to include more people on their guest list because, depending on the distance, many of the guests will decline. But even though you know they are unlikely to attend, send out that invitation and make them feel welcome. Besides, who knows? They may have another social or business engagement in the area and decide to attend. When the majority of the family/friends can not come, invite them to the celebrations scheduled in your home town, i.e. vort, aufruf, sheva brochos, etc. to show your wish to include them. Inviting them only to a shower will make it appear that you’re only interested in a gift, not in their participation in the simcha.
Seating
Some weddings are open seating. That’s certainly a convenience for the host, but usually there is more formality and seating arrangements are made. Try to be sensitive to who you are seating next to whom. If you don’t crowd the tables, i.e. seat 10 people at a 12 person table, you leave space for people to move if they feel uncomfortable. Also, avoid super elegant tiny script in favor of one that actually can be read by guests who want to know which table they have been assigned to.
For the Guests
Now, not only does the host have a responsibility to be gracious towards his/her guests, the guests have a responsibility to be gracious as well. If you’re not invited, try not to take it too personally. Put yourself in the host’s shoes. Maybe there were other commitments or obligations that had to be fulfilled. Maybe the other side was paying for the wedding and placed a limit on the number that could be invited. Whatever the reason, wish them well. Remember, you might be in that position one day. If it was an oversight (that does happen) you can test the waters by saying "I would love to come to the chuppah!" Usually people don’t mind. And if they really did mean to invite you, they will ask you to stay. But if they don’t say anything, leave it alone and look at the bright side---you saved yourself a gift.
Unless you are absolutely, positively, 100% certain that you will be staying for the whole wedding, please indicate "chuppah only" on your response card. The meals are a very expensive proposition for the host and inevitably some people don’t show up at the last minute for legitimate reasons. You will be a more thoughtful guest saying "chuppah only" and actually staying for the dinner (with permission, of course) than saying you are coming for the dinner and not showing up. Be a considerate host and a considerate guest to make the simcha enjoyable for everyone.
Dr. Fialkoff is a pediatrician who resides in Los Angeles. She has made 5 weddings and is grateful for her machatanim. This is her third article for Kallah Magazine.
Ms. Maven Responds to the Inviter
Dear Ms. Maven,
In putting together the guest list for my wedding, I am unsure what to do about a friend whose wedding I attended two years ago. I think it would be too hard for her to come as she now lives several states away and has a baby. So should I just not send her an invitation?
-Making the guest list
Ms. Maven responds:
When in doubt, leave it out. That’s the rule for accessories. If you are not certain whether or not to wear the brooch as well as the necklace, you should leave one of the pieces off. On the other hand, when it comes to doubt over whether or not to include someone on the guest list, the rule is: only exclude when certain you should. Assuming you have not exceeded the number that could reasonably fit where you are having your simcha and you are not going into debt to cover the cost of extra people, if in doubt, do not leave a person out. It is not up to you to calculate the expense of time and travel that would be incurred by the guest. Even if you know that it would involve a plane ticket and much shlepping, it is not up to you to make the decision of whether or not it would be worth it to them to make the trip. If it would be too much for them, they have the option of politely declining the invitation. On the other hand, if you do not extend the invitation when they are expecting one – on the basis of cousinship, friendship, or a business relationship – they may feel deeply offended not to have been included, especially if they find out (and you know they will in the end)someone of no closer standing was invited.
The basis for the principle of when in doubt, do not leave someone out is from no less a source than Tanach. Yalkut Shimoni on Ruth 1: Rabbi Nachman the son of Yitachak declared that Ivtzan (one of the leaders recounted in the book of Shoftim) is Boaz. And Rabbi Yitzchak said that Ivtzan made 120 celebratory feasts for his sons, as it says that he had thirty sons, and thirty daughters he sent off [in marriage] and thirty daughters he brought in [as brides] for his sons [2 feasts for each child]. He did not invite Manoach to one of them. He said, ‘this man is childless, so how could he ever reciprocate?’ [Consequently,] all of his children died during his lifetime." That is quite a consequence for leaving someone off the guest list. As Boaz/Ivtzan was very wealthy, clearly his motive in leaving out Manoach was not to srim his catering bill. He thought he was sparing Manoach’s feelings, for the celebrations of a child’s marriage would remind him that he had no child and would not have the opportunity of playing host at such an affair himself.
Boaz may have been thinking that it is not the guest but the host that is truly honored as Rav Zeyra explained. R’ Eliezer declared that he refused gifts and invitations. He would say to those who would invite him, "Do you resent my living? For it says [Mishlei 15:27] ‘Soneh matanos yichyeh’" [One who despises gifts will live.] Rav Zeyra [in contrast] would also decline presents but would accept invitations. He explained, "it is not for my honor but for that of the host that I accept the invitation" (Megillah 28a). Rav Zeyra argued that it is the guest who honors the host by accepting the invitation and so accepting one is not tantamount to accepting a gift. Along those lines, Boaz probably thought it unfair to call on Manoach to honor him 120 times when he could never repay the honor as a guest at a simcha made by Manoach. Yet, even with the best intentions in the world, the act of excluding someone is considered wrong enough to be punished very severely. Boaz erred in trying to get inside Manoach’s head instead of just acting gracious. We should be careful to avoid the same error.
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