Planning the guest list part 1    part 2
Inviting your guests: part 1       part 2

Finding-a-gown-style-that-is-right-for-you   Focus on the sleeve      Watteau?  It's  a train!

Shades of white    Fabric flavors    Guide-to-gown-fabrics      Lexicon of laces  

What to expect when shopping for a bridal gown (part 1) Setting Out  
(part 2): What to look for and beware of when trying on sample dresses  (part 3) Checking for quality construction   
 (part 4) Placing the Order   (part 5) Bridal Buyer Beware: missing labels and  hidden charges
(part 6) Alternative and Alteration             (part-7) More gown options

 Shopping for your headpiece

The long and short of veils

   

French and Russian are not just languages or dressings; they are serving styles.  Learn more in
Selecting-your-caterer--key-terms-to-know
Controlling-catering-costs


                                                                                                                                        

Color coordination concern
The solution for color coordination and other problems

 Wedding Flowers

Wedding Thank You Notes: the whom, what, when, and how according to etiquette.
Guide to Thank you Notes part-1-of-2

What you need to know about making it legal in NY in 2 parts: 
License-to-wed-part-1-of-2     & part-2-of-2

Pulling it all together in 4 months or less

How long should an engagement be? There is no set answer.  The Gmara  references an assumed standard of a year, during which a bride would prepare her needs for her new household.  Some Chassidim maintain this practice, though the engaged parties likely not see each other from the engagement until the wedding. The custom of  yearlong engagement seems to go way back, as we see in the exchange of Eliezer and Rivka’s parents.  They requested that she stay on at home for a year, while he said he needed to return with a bride immediately.  As we know, Rivka broke the custom to enter a husband’s household immediately.  So even then “rules” for engagement duration were broken. 

 In All Dressed in White:  The Irresistible Rise of the American Wedding (New York: Penguin Books, 2004), Carol Wallace explains that the “planning time” needed for a wedding has changed according to bridal magazine directives.  Bride’s includes a schedule for wedding planning.  “As late as the 1960s, the lead time could be as little as three months, though six months was preferable; by 1973, the magazine instructed its reader that it took as long as year to plan a big formal reception” (233).    It is not only a question of planning but of booking one’s preferred hall, caterer, and band, while they still have dates open.  Indeed many bridal guides will begin the timetable a year or more in advance of the big day. The average American engagement period today has extended to 18 months. 

But the average for  Orthodox  circles seems to be somewhere around three or four months with some engagements as short as six weeks.  So, it is possible to pull everything together in a shorter space of time, though the shorter the time you have to work with, the less likely it is that you will be able to get your first choice of venue.  Below is a general timeline for wedding planning that assumes about 3-4 months.  Generally, the “as soon as possible” would take place 4 plus months before the wedding.    Obviously, though, for a shorter engagement, there is less lead time, and the schedule directives must be adjusted accordingly.


As soon as possible:
Select a date for the wedding.
Discuss expectations and finance with both sets of parents to come up with how much you can spend and an estimate of number of guests that will attend.
Set a firm budget that should allow margin below the total you have to work with, as certain items will always creep up.
Reserve your slot at the hall and with the caterer; that may require a deposit.
Decide if you want a monogram and have it designed in time to print on invitations.
Order invitations and thank you notes.
Find a kallah class teacher who suits you and set up a schedule that works for you. 
Schedule an ob/gyn exam (recommended for a number of reasons)
Review all your borrowing, renting, and buying options to find your perfect wedding dress within your budget.
Select a headpiece style to coordinate with your gown.  You can buy, rent, borrow, or make one. 
Decide if you want a set color scheme and what it would be.
Find dresses for mothers, sisters, etc.
Select a photographer and videographer and book for your date after clarifying details of what particular package you want and how not to incur overtime charges.
Choose your florist; clarify that you can get what you need and want within your budget, and then and book for your date; be prepared for the deposit.
Book the band you want; a desposit may be required.
If you want to get a wig in time for the wedding, look into what is available and narrow down what you will look for and where.  If you want one that is truly custom made for you, allow 8-12 weeks.  You would need to put down a deposit.
If you intend to register for china, crystal, and china patterns, you should do so three months prior to the wedding, assuming time permits. Your registry should be set by the time the invitations go out.

About 2-3 months before:
Make menu choices with caterer to fit your budget and expected number of guests.
Make your selections for flowers.  Bring in pictures or sketch of your wedding gown along with swatch to match your bouquet to the dress style and shade.  Consider not only your color scheme but  seasonal selections.  Be clear on  your first choice and what substitutions would be acceptable.
Shop for sheitels, hats, and other hair covering, as well as outfits for sheva brachos   you may need.
For the groom, with his presence and input, buy tallis, as well as the atara decoration for it, tallis bag --- can be custom embroidered with name, buy kittel – it may need some adjustment.  Bring him along to pick out  gifts like watches and cuff links to be sure they are to his taste, and ask if he prefers a particular edition for a “chasson” shas.
The bride may pick out her choice of silver candlesticks if this traditional gift is offered by the groom's family. 
Address and mail invitations.                                                                                                                       
Select a band.

     Overcoming Differences in Wedding Planning

By Henie Fialkoff

So you have met the guy/girl of your dreams and you're ready to embark on a life together.    To celebrate this brilliant event, you are going to have the best wedding ever! In an ideal world, this means the bride, groom and their respective parents all agree on exactly what "best" means and they have unlimited funds to realize their shared vision.  Some picture it as an elaborate affair at a 5 star hotel with a 6 bridal attendants in matching gowns, a 7 course dinner for 1000 regaled by a 12 man orchestra; while others have much lower numbers in mind, especially when it comes to the numbers that follow the amount due and $ on the bill.

            Remember, all you need is a chuppah,  2 eidim, a mesader kiddushin¸ a kesubah, and something of value (usually a ring) that the chasson gives the kallah. That's it. You don't even need a rabbi, a hall, gowns, flowers, food, music, customized benchers, or guests, although those are customary. So anything over and above the basics is negotiable. It’s up to the two sides to arrive at an agreement about what they must have, what it would be nice to have, and what is unnecessary, given the budget they have to work with.  The key to accomplishing this as peaceably as possible to is to be flexible, keep everything in perspective, and maintain your sense of humor.

            What if the machatanim's viewpoint seems alien to you? The first thing to do is to try to see the other person's view. Maybe there is a perfectly good reason behind their wish to do it that way. For example, they may want it in a particular location because an elderly grandparent can not travel far. Once you see their point of view you might agree that their concern is valid.  If you cannot accommodate their preference for location, you can think of another solution to the problem.   For example you could offer a private access van service for the elderly grandparent to ease the commute to another location.

Or perhaps your community simply doesn't do things "that way." A case in point is often mixed seating. If one side is adamant about having separate seating and one is adamant about having mixed seating, you do not have to call the whole thing off.  You have several options available to accommodate the divergent preferences.  You can have a mechitza between the two sets of guests with the arrangement of guests set as is customary in your respective kehillas on either side. Another possible compromise is to have several separate tables for the guests who wish to be seated separately.

Often the difference of opinion relates to financial matters. For example, at one chasana the machatanim were expecting $50-100 per table for flower arrangements because that is what they had paid at an older child's simcha. However, it  really was beyond the means of the new machatanim.  Flexibility in this case allowed them to move beyond the price tag.  With careful shopping, they were able to find nice arrangements at a lower price.

            Flowers are the first items included in the inventory known under the acronym FLOP that is customarily assigned to the chasson’s side.  The others are liquor, orchestra, and photographer.  Implicitly, the kallah’s side is expected to cover the cost of all the other items in the wedding.  However, some situations may require a reassessment of this traditional division.  What if one side has 200 guests and the other side has 20? What's fair in calculating the costs? You can do it 50-50 or 90-10, but another option is to pay evenly for the items that both sides use regardless of the size wedding, i.e. band and photographers, and then each side pays for their own guests' invitations, meals and table arrangements

You may also have to come to your own agreement about liquor at the wedding. Let's say your mechutan  wants a full bar and you are worried about people overdoing it and either becoming drunk or presenting a safety hazard. You can

a. limit the time that the bar is open  

b. have one or two bottles of wine at the table instead

c. designate someone to assure that no one over-indulges.

There are ways to work this out, so long as people remember to have the goal of a pleasant simcha in mind rather than insisting on their own way.

A Gadol Hador was once asked what his minhag was when he displayed diffrerent minhagim  at different children's weddings. He answered "My minhag is yenem's minhag" Whatever his machatanim wanted was okay with him. Giving your machatanim that honor goes a long way towards Shalom Bayis.

  Dr. Fialkoff is a pediatrician who resides in Los Angeles.  She has made  4 chassonos in 2 years and is grateful for her machatanim. 

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